i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize