My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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