My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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