woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
