It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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