there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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