my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
