How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
