dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
