ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
