He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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