dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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