there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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