she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
