i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
