so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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