I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
