I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
