something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
