you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
