cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
