my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
