I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
