some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
