the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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