you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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