I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
