you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
