I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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