we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize