I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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