I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
