why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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