Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
