Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
