20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
