did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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