How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
