how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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