I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
