I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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