Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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