remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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