see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
