**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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