you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
