some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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