If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
