My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
this beer tastes like vomit already
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
