I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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