A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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