no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i think i just lost a toe
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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