Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize