I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
