i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
