You were right. It hurts to walk today.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
