I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
