if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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