May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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