the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
