phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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