So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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