oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Two words: blizzard sex
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
